


Falling, Fallen, Fell

by impish_nature



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Apologies, Don’t copy to another site, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Warning: Discussions of Falling, accidental arguments, painful conversations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-22
Updated: 2019-08-22
Packaged: 2020-09-24 07:23:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20354608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/impish_nature/pseuds/impish_nature
Summary: Crowley is done. Aziraphale thinks too much or doesn’t think at all.And sometimes words can hurt.Prompt fic: “This isn’t what I wanted’ and "Please, don’t shut me out.”





	Falling, Fallen, Fell

**Author's Note:**

> As per last Good Omens fic. Both fics are prompt fics and the first time I've written these characters, so I hope they're not too OOC for anyone c:

"Do you think I wanted this?"

The clink of china hitting china reverberated through the suddenly hushed bookshop.

There was a hint of malice in the air, a storm arriving that would not be swayed to pass overhead without breaking heavy first, crackling energy igniting everything in it's path.

It had been brewing for awhile, bubbling up to strike at a moment's notice, though he had done his best to contain it. Sure the pair had known each other for over 6000 years, but that didn't mean they _knew_ each other. They were just asking questions, dancing around subjects that before were untouchable. They had survived the apocalypse together, changed fate, left their respective sides to form something new and whole and altogether different. They could do whatever they wanted without fear now, break down barriers and reconstruct them, learn and change and shape the world that they had built for themselves.

And it seemed that for his companion that meant asking questions. And really, he of all people couldn't blame him for that.

But his angelic friend kept getting caught up on one particular subject, bringing it up over and over again in a myriad of differing ways as if his answers were not good enough. And it rankled. Set his hackles rising and his teeth grinding. Wasn't it enough to ask, did he have to dig it in? Did he have to ask over and over and still come away disappointed in him? 

Was it not enough that it had happened at all?

Or was he that oblivious, that uncaring of his pain that he felt no guilt in bringing up the past.

Over and over, time and again until finally he asked the question that snapped the final thread.

"_Did you choose to fall?"_

It had been like a kick to the stomach, winding him in the most awful way. As if the person before him was not the person he had thought he was all along.

How could he even think- have the slightest, insignificant notion that he would ever-

Did he really think that little of him? Was he still that much of a demon to him?

He'd only ever asked questions. He wasn't a monster... was he? Just for that?

He hated how quickly the thoughts sunk into his chest, to that bitter place that like a child asked over and over _why? why? why?_ to a God that wasn't listening, or if she was, refused to respond.

He hated more that he had yet to stop asking, that still in the deepest, darkest recesses of his soul, a part of him still hoped for a reply.

"Choose? _Choose_? You think I had a choice in falling? You think I wanted to fall from grace and leave everything I knew behind? Well let me break it down for you- This isn't what I wanted, angel, far from it."

"Crowley, please, I didn't mean to offend-" Aziraphale stood, his face wide and apologetic, his hands up placatingly.

But all Crowley saw was red. Or perhaps what blurred his vision was more tangible than he would like anyone to believe.

"No? Oh, of course you didn't!" Sarcasm dripped like poison from his lips, a hiss of something deeper overtaking his words even as he cursed his serpentine tongue for it's intrusion. "Then what exactly did you mean, angel? Because from here it seems pretty offensive."

"I just-" Aziraphale sighed, hands twisting in front of him as if he needed to move but didn't know quite what to do with himself. "You said it yourself that you sauntered into Hell, so I just- I thought you might enlighten me on what you meant, but you don't have to- I really didn't mean to-"

Crowley stared at him, his thoughts and feelings warring with one another. How could the angel be so apologetic but have no idea what he had done? He seemed to care but if he was asking these questions in the first place, it felt like he barely knew him at all. There was something bigger here. Something that begged the question as to why. Why did Aziraphale want to know? Why was he so insistent?

Why- Why- Why-

He was always so good at asking _why_.

"Of course I said that." The words came out quiet, laced with cold indifference as his friend's head snapped back up to his. "What else was I going to say? I don't know why I fell? I don't know why what I did was bad enough to fall along with everyone else? You said it yourself-" His words turned bitter, Aziraphale's face morphing even further into despair. "-It must be bad, or you wouldn't have tempted them to do it."

"Oh- Oh, Crowley- I really do put my foot in it, don't I?"

"It hurt, you know. To fall." He felt more than saw Aziraphale's distress, on his peripherals, as his mind slipped back to a time long gone by.

"Please- please, don't."

The words fell flat against him, useless and weak. "Sauntered- such a nice way of putting it, so much easier to swallow. All pretence, pretend just like the rest of them that you'd rather this. That Heaven was so much worse- I've seen it now, I'm not saying it's great, not by any means- but at the time- the looks, the hatred. Suddenly, you're a monster, all for asking questions-"

His words were cut short by a sudden warmth.

"I'm sorry."

There were hands on his cheeks, bringing him back to the present. His glasses had come off at some point during his tirade and his eyes locked onto pained blue orbs that wanted nothing more than to soothe the pain away that they had caused. He seemed to be trying to do so physically, his thumbs running soft circles close to his lips, little hitching movements that conveyed what his words wouldn't allow.

Crowley sniffed, embarrassment worming it's way through the pit in his stomach, slimy and cold. He hated that Aziraphale had seen, it was so much easier, so much more palatable to stay hidden behind the walls he had built. Letting the other in behind them left him vulnerable, left him seen and known and altogether more visible than he ever wanted to be. And so his words came out sulkily, harsh and sharp, in the only way he knew how to end the conversation. "You asked."

"I know I did, and I'm sorry." The words were said with more warm motions, small slides on the hand to keep him with him in the present. It was shamefully easy to accept the apology, to let the angel worm his way back into his good graces and erase the hurt that he had caused. "I never meant for you to say anything you were not ready to- nor ever felt forced to say."

"Then why ask in the first place?"

Aziraphale blinked, shock filtering across his face. "Crowley, you are always allowed to say no. Never think that you can't. You seemed comfortable when I asked before I just... assumed I could ask further. I shouldn't have. That's on me."

"Oh." Crowley coughed. "Right, yeah I knew that. But that still doesn't answer my question."

"Hmm?"

"Why did you want to know?"

Aziraphale's soft smile froze, his hands slipping off his face to leave a cold ice in their wake. "Oh. No real reason- I just, it had never quite made sense to me- that's all- can we just forget this ever happened? I'd hate for this to change anything between us."

"We've known each other for 6000 years, we just survived the apocalypse together, one more argument isn't going to break that." Crowley watched thoughtfully as Aziraphale breathed a sigh of relief, his shoulders relaxing. There was something else there, a tension that had not yet faded, some notion that Crowley had missed throughout their recent conversations that he now desperately needed to know. It was important, whatever this was. He could sense it, maybe even as easily as Aziraphale seemed to sense love. On the edge of a precipice waiting for the wind to change and send him falling once more.

Or perhaps it was just that easy to see when an angel was trying to deceive a demon.

"You're lying to me."

"What?" 

Crowley crowed, his anger morphing into a strange satisfaction. "I'm impressed. You, lying? Who'd have thought it."

"I lied all the time to the higher ups I'll have you know-"

"Yeah but they're angels." Crowley's smile widened. "They're not me. And you almost had me fooled- almost."

"Just forget it, I was being inconsiderate and I'd much rather we just forgot about it. More tea?"

Crowley brushed aside the feeble attempt to derail the conversation. "Aww, come on, Aziraphale. You can't do that to me now. Not after asking all those questions and watching me pour my heart out to you- imagine what the other demons would think if they knew I'd done that." Ok, maybe that was a low blow, but he felt he'd earned it as Aziraphale stared at him, winded by his words. He watched nervously as Aziraphale bit his lip, turning away from his prying eyes and his heart sank.

So it was important. It was something big, and altogether Not Good and frankly, he'd had enough of that recently to last him another 6000 years.

But the only thing worse than something Big and Not Good, was knowing that Aziraphale might go ahead with it without him.

"Please?"

The pair of them froze, both shocked by the utterance that Crowley had made.

He coughed, but stood firm, swallowing down the shame and vulnerability. "Please? Don't shut me out. I think we've been through enough together now, don't you think?"

Aziraphale gulped, staring at him for a few more seconds before he gave a strange low sound of defeat and began to pace back and forth before him.

Frankly, it did nothing for his nerves.

"This wasn't meant to happen like this." 

Crowley laughed, unable to stop himself, though it was slightly hysterical and more nerve-wracking than it ought to be. "When have things ever gone as planned for us? I'm pretty sure no plan is better than us having a plan at this point."

The angel paused, giving out a soft huff of exasperation. "Quite. But that doesn't mean I have to enjoy it."

"There has been literally nothing enjoyable about this conversation."

Aziraphale gave him a scathing look, one that made his grin widen into something more genuine. "You are not helping, Crowley."

"Why on earth would I help you after you asked such a ridiculous question?"

"Because-" Aziraphale gestured wildly before coming to a sudden halt, one hand pressed against his face so that his words were muffled. It took all that Crowley had in him to listen intently and not snap for him to repeat himself. "I was asking for me."

"...Who else would you be asking for exactly?"

"_Crowley_." There was something warming about the fond and yet irritated frustration brimming throughout that one word. "Please. This is hard enough as it is." He seemed to psych himself up in the ensuing silence. "I've just been thinking lately. After everything that happened- our respective sides were not pleased."

"Obviously."

"And it stands to reason that- they might- that they could-"

The realisation hit him like a freight train, his teeth gritting at the mere suggestion- that they would even _try_. "They don't have the authority. They couldn't- it's not up to them."

"But could it be up to us?"

All thoughts left Crowley's head, short circuiting behind the words- _up to us- up to us- _"I don't quite follow."

Aziraphale's shoulders sagged. "No, I guess if you really didn't choose all those years ago, then you wouldn't." He stood himself up straight, staring Crowley in the eye and making his stomach squirm. "I guess, I just thought- if it was already going to happen in the near future, I'd rather make the decision myself. I'd rather choose for myself."

"It's not- you can't just make that decision, Aziraphale. You can't just- decide one day and change back the next." It was inconceivable, strange and warped and oh so wrong. "You need to do something wrong, and what have you done?"

Aziraphale laughed. "I think we both know that list could be very long, depending on who you ask. And it's never been up to us what other's see as good and bad, now has it?"

"Alright I'll bite." Crowley raised an eyebrow. "What have you done that heaven-or god- or whoever decides- would think was the final straw in you falling from grace?"

"Well, I rather think I've fallen for you."

You could have heard a pin drop, if there had been one in the apartment.

As it was, the sunglasses that Crowley had not even noticed he was holding fell to the ground with a rather more resounding clatter.

The angel had tried for suave, though the demon could see through every nervous layer of tension. His tongue felt like it had tied itself up in response though, the sudden urge to slink into his snake skin all the more apparent as the other stared, waiting for an answer.

All he could think to do was laugh.

That's all that really came out, a bubble of laughter, a nervous twitch of shock and the unyielding need to move the situation back into more familiar waters. "Angel, that's not the same as- you know, _falling_. And neither of us have been punished for it yet."

Aziraphale shook his head, a sadness settling in his face that Crowley yearned to scrub away. "But- I think I would- fall for you, that is."

"You just said you had."

"Crowley. Please- is this so hard to believe that-"

Crowley was in front of him in a blink of an eye, cutting him short just as quickly as the other had done to him. "No. No, it's not but you need to stop talking about things you don't understand. You don't know what it's like, I wouldn't wish it on anybody, especially not you."

"But-"

Crowley placed a hand against his lips, sighing. "I wouldn't want you to. I wouldn't ever want you to." His hands moved, mirroring Aziraphale's from before, and finding comfort himself in finally allowing himself to be this close, to show his affection, his fear. 

He'd never wish for his angel to fall.

But the fact that he would consider it, sent his heart soaring.

"Wait."

"Hmm?"

"You said 'neither of us have been punished for that yet'. Do you mean-?"

Crowley locked up ever so slightly, eyes catching on Aziraphale's hesitant, hopeful gaze.

He chuckled once more, bringing himself closer so his words brushed against the other's lips.

"I fell a long time ago into that particular pit, angel, you just followed me there." 


End file.
